Parenting with Intention…
5 Ideas to cultivate deeper connection with your children:
When my boys were younger, I struggled to be present. Most days I was just surviving early mornings after a disrupted night's sleep, the challenge of feeding a very picky eater and frequent temper tantrums. I was usually counting down the minutes to when my husband got home and I could go on my evening walk in silence. As they got older and the days started to feel a little shorter, survival mode also started to ease a bit. But instead of being present more, I was shifting my focus to other problems and missing many opportunities to connect with my boys as they were growing and changing. I learned very early on as a mom that if I did not set intentions for my day, the moments slipped by and I spent the day caretaking, usually in auto-pilot as my thoughts bounced from thing to thing but rarely finding their home in the present.
I am an avid journaler and express myself through writing much more efficiently than in conversation. I love to express my love and appreciation for others through cards and letters. When my boys were 3 and 6 I decided to start a journal for each of them. Partially becasue I was documenting things about them in my journals and it was very disorganized. It was also because I realized that in the day to day, I expressed my frustration probably much more readily than my encouragement. I wanted to have a place to document the ways they were growing, the funny things they were doing in each phase as well as express the love and encouragement we had for them in that season. That started me thinking through other ways I could be more intentional about connection (and being present) because life gets so busy. We know these things, they're very logical, but they can get easily lost in the day to day with all the demands that life puts on us. Theses are just a few ways to help intentionally cultivate that connection with our kids and it doesn't have to take up too much time or energy. The beauty of intentional connection as parents is that our kids are also never too old to receive it. It still means the world to me when my own parents take the time to write an email or give me a card to show they see and appreciate me. Maybe just start with one new idea to put into practice today!
1. Write them letters.
I know that I already briefly touched on this idea but I think this is a great place to start. It doesn't really matter their age but it's a way that we can process the season we are in and find encouragement for them and us. You may be someone that freely expresses your love through words and even so, I think writing letters is a great emotional release. If you are not naturally expressive through conversation, writing can give us a space to connect to our children as we reflect on the moments of joy, growth and beauty. We can express the character traits we see growing and the ways that we will continue to love them through each passing phase. Somedays I forget how much my boys just need to be seen and reminded that they are loved. When I do something as simple as write them a letter, it naturally helps me to be more present with them as well.
2. Connect to who they are, not who you would like them to be.
Ok this next one can either sound really obvious or it can step on some toes. Personally, it steps on my toes. Intellectually this is not a new concept but emotionally this is not the truth that I always parent from. To some extent, we all parent from insecurities and can project that onto our kids. We can overact to certain behaviors or personality quirks because it triggers something we may fear or struggle with ourselves. This is a way to take a pause and challenge ourselves in the moment so we can reflect on those triggered responses. "What triggered that strong response from me? Am I projecting some of my own insecurities onto them?" Sometimes we just need a few moments of self reflection to bring us back into that connection.
3. Find ways to enter their world.
This is an area that I have had to be intentional about, especially as they grow older and their interests become vastly different from mine. My oldest son is a teen who loves video games. On my own, I have zero interest in gaming and even though I encourage him to balance it with other interests, I find ways to connect with him on the things he wants to share with me. My youngest was known as the critter whisperer when he was younger. He could woo lizards, toads, bugs, salamanders, etc like none other and I learned to really appreciate and even start looking for these creatures myself! I appreciated the ways he noticed the world around him and it helped me to slow down and be more present with him as well.
4. Apologize when you're wrong - repair work is key.
We have all been there - our frustrations and exhaustion get the best of us and before we know it, emotions take over. When my boys were younger especially, my mis-managed emotions would get the best of me. Something would trigger me and then an eruption would follow. I learned tools to know when I needed to take a minute and walk away. I learned the root of these triggers but I also had to learn to apologize and repair that connection. One of the best ways to build a deeper trust with our kids is to repair after the connection is broken. Through that repair work we also teach them what healthy relationships look like. Love and connection can be repaired when we take responsibility for our actions, apologize and find ways to grow in our awareness so the behaviors don't continue to cause harm. Sidenote - mamas, please give yourself grace. We all need to give grace but most of the time, we need to receive it first. If you find yourself in this constant cycle, find a friend, a mentor or a counselor to invite into it. We all need help in this journey of motherhood, there is no shame in that.
5. Share silly stories from your childhood!
When my Dad was a young boy, he lassoed a milk truck and was then dragged down the street for half a block because he didn't want to lose his new lasso. This story is still told at family gatherings and all the grandchildren know it well. I think our days of parenting can often feel heavy and layered with guilt. We can easily forget the simple need to just have fun and laugh with our kids. I have found that whenever my husband and I share stories about our childhoods, especialy silly ones, my boys are captivated and it creates a really fun and light connection. Not only are we inviting them into our world but we are showing the importance of enjoying each other's company. Of course there are so many other ways we can cultivate deeper connection with our kids but these are some of the top ones we have tried to put into practice in our home. I hope this encourages you to find ways to build deeper connection in your home and to remember that we all just need to know we are seen, loved and cared for. When we are tempted to over-complicate or stress in our parenting, these tools can help us all to take a step back, reasses and reconnect!
