End of Ourselves…

I wrote this back in 2015. Finding so many nuggets of truth in things I have written over the years that I need to be reminded of today…

I recently watched a movie called Short Term 12 that I’ve been putting off for a while, but knew would be good for me to see.  It was a beautifully, impactful story that I would recommend.  There is some rough language, hard moments, but overall so worth the time of investing a couple hours to walk in the shoes of these teens.  It's basically about a half-way house for teens and the young staff members that come from similar backgrounds.  Definitely a tear-jerker but so worth the watch.  Some it reminded me of my own experiences the summer after my sophomore year in college,  when I worked at a halfway house for young kids.  When they were plucked from their homes, for any number of reasons, this is where they came.  Some showed up in the middle of the night, some were there for 3 days, some for a couple years.  Some were just babies when they came and some had been in and out of different foster homes, bouncing around more than I could imagine.  This was by far the most exhausting job I ever had.  My hours were from 7:00-3:00, which means I spent many mornings starting out with the Wiggles, and actually swore when I became a mom, this show wouldn’t be allowed in my home (and I’ve stuck to it).  Many days I came home and passed out on the couch because the previous 8 hours had stripped me of any emotional or physical energy I had.  I think my hourly rate was about $6.50 an hour – and I’m not that old, that was still very low at the time.  There was another girl that was a student from Yale that chose to spend her summer there.  I loved working with her and grew very close with my fellow dayshift workers.  We understood each other, had each other’s back, but still had the ability to love and care for the kids without the jaded edges poking through.  I was saving up that summer for a one year Bible college in Ecuador that I had chosen to attend my junior year of college, taking a break from the Chicago winters and my beloved friends up there.  My sophomore year was hard, very hard.  I returned to college in Chicago on my own after my high school boyfriend and I parted ways.  We went to college together, and unfortunately most of my freshman year was wrapped up in him, so returning on my own the next year was the first time I had ever done anything independent, and at that point in my life I didn’t do things on my own.  Once again, though, I felt God’s supernatural peace after spending the summer pursuing my relationship with Him like I never had before.  So, after my sophomore year, even though I was saving up for Ecuador, my parents did an amazing thing for me.  They saw my heart and they tended to my heart instead of money or the more practical, self-serving route they could have suggested for me.  It’s not something I like to admit, at least not to the world at large but I was devastated by our break-up.  The whole future I had planned in my mind completely shattered and I had no idea how to live life on my own apart from him (hence the part I don’t like to admit).  I couldn’t see past my own pain, my own heartbreak so instead of coddling me and allowing me to stay safe in that, my parents challenged me to serve others during a time in my life when my pain was my constant companion.  They knew that God could bring healing to my heart, especially if I chose to invest in the pain of others, at a time when I just wanted to wallow in my own.  So, that’s what I did.  Working at the half-way house was such an eye-opening and heart-opening experience for me.  It was so uncomfortable, so painful, and at times brought me to the end of myself, which is usually where God took over.  I saw and experienced things that still bring pangs to my heart now.  I had to be the punching bag for kids that had no where else to safely express their anger.  I had to watch their crushed faces as once again, their parents didn’t show up for visitation – when that was all they talked about for the week prior.  The end result?  I got angry, very angry.  I thought it would take over and I had no idea how to reign it in.  These innocent children and the unspeakable injustice that they had lived through and continued to live through.  I spent a lot of time that summer praying, journaling, reading God’s Word and talking to my parents about how to deal with this anger.  I still remember my mom’s advice, even if she doesn’t – she told me to channel that anger into loving on these kids.  The passionate anger I felt on behalf of them would do no good, they needed love.  They needed a safe punching bag, a place to express their own hurt and anger.  They needed games, smiles and days at the beach.  They needed kindness and a constant reminder that they mattered, that they were loved.  I learned more about love that summer than I ever had before and it was the beginning of my own healing as well.  The point wasn’t to distract from my own pain by helping others, it was to see past my own pain and to walk side by side through others pain, asking God to guide and heal us together.  It was also a much needed preparation for the following year I would spend in Ecuador, as I saw such a magnitude of brokenness around me, but equally I saw such magnitude of God’s grace, His redemption and healing power.  That summer God taught me a lesson that extends into my life now.  There is more out there than just our pain.  There is a bigger story to the heartbreak, wounds and anger we encounter.  If we allow Him into those intimate cracks in our lives, He comes alongside us to heal, to love, to be our punching bag, to be our safety net, to be the One who reminds us over and over again that we are loved, that we matter.  Not just so we can stay in our own experience, but so we can walk alongside others, confidently showing and telling them – you matter, you are loved, and your experience and pain will not be wasted.  Let’s channel our anger into love.  That’s where healing is, that’s where life is, and that’s where God is waiting for us so that when we come to the end of ourselves, He can take over.  

Green Eyes

When I was 16, my favorite car was a VW Golf. Why? I couldn't really tell you but that's the car I dreamed of having. When I was 17, my family took a trip to Germany, a life-long dream for my mom to take her family to connect us to her roots and introduce us to family members we had never met. I saw VW Golfs everywhere and I even had my sis take a photo of me standing next to a line of them. I told myself, one day I will have this car! Fast forward to me being 40 and having a 14 year old son. We needed a car for Jon so he found a great used option that we bought with cash and decided he would drive as a place holder until Oliver was 16. It was a VW Golf! He found it and I don't even think he knew about my adolescent obsession with this car. With a diesel engine, it was a car that could run for a long time for Oliver when the time came. I was so excited that even though my 16 year old self never got my dream car, I could live vicariously through my son! Since then, it has been an interesting experience to say the least. We have had several annoying issues with it and we are currently trying to figure out why the AC stopped working, which has been really fun during FL summer! We have been thankful for Jon's remote work days that have helped ease the amount of time we have to drive it! I told Jon that the level of appreciation we will have for his next car will run deep. In the meantime we are still grateful for the provision it has been, warts and all!

This morning, I took the boys to school in it and appreciated the early morning lower temps and breeze pouring in from open windows. When I'm in the Golf, I usually take advantage of the CD player and blast Weezer or Coldplay. I realize I am not in highschool or college anymore, but I can pretend and picture young Annie zipping around town, listening to music, getting lost in that moment where everything else, even for just a moment evaporates. There was a moment this morning, just Oliver and I driving to school listening to Green Eyes - me singing, him quietly drumming his hand on his leg, that I felt such a surreal moment of peace. For that moment, I was young Annie again without all the cares that day to day weigh me down. I didn't think about the AC not working or the other millions of things going on in my brain at any given moment. I didn't think about the fact that this is Oliver's Jr year in highschool and we are coming into a season of getting him set up to launch into the world, while simulataneously I feel like in some ways I am still launching myself. It was a full circle moment, a reprieve, a welcomed deep breath in what has been a hard and confusing season. In that moment it was just us, enjoying music together.

After I dropped him off at school, Warning Sign (from the album Rush of Blood to the Head) came on and as I listened to the lyrics, there was a momentary pang of grief.

Come on in

I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in

I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is

I miss you

Yeah, the truth is

That I miss you so

And I'm tired

I should not have let you go

So, I crawl back into your open arms

Yes, I crawl back into your open arms

And I crawl back into your open arms

Yes, I crawl back into your open arms

When I listened to this song back in college, I was always thinking about someone else but this morning, I had this pang of realizing how much I missed my younger self. This is a very human post I am writing, not really one of offering advice or wisdom to apply. It's really just an acknowledgement of moments in this midlife season where I don't know how to reconcile all the fragmented parts of myself. Teenage Annie, pre-married Annnie, pre-kids Annie, young kids Annie, and now mom of teens Annie. And maybe it's a realization that care-free Annie, that wanders into caves with friends in Ecuador with no guide or treks on mountain tops in Peru on the way to Machu Picchu without any thought of anthing going wrong, feels so buried and far away from this current moment. This is not a desire to go back to that version of myself, because honestly the demons I wrestled with in those seasons weighed me down in completely different ways. But once again an acknowledgement of how life, experiences, circumstances shape us and we aren't always aware of how disconnected we can become. In many ways, my life is so much richer now - especially in my relationships, connection to my children, my faith that has been deeply formed through many difficult life circumstances. But I can become so encumbered by the hard, the unknown, the frustrations of daily life that I don't allow that more carefree side of myself even to have a seat at the table. So, maybe this is about learning to invite her back in. To not take everything so seriously and allow life to feel so heavy. I so admire the people I know and learn from that approach life with this wonder and curiosity, this open handed posture that says, I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am going to intentionally soak up the joy of today. Maybe the gift of this morning was realizing that I have a choice to invite that wonder back in. That even though I have grown and changed in so many ways, that wonder and curiosity are still available to me if I take the time to invite them in. Maybe the gift of no AC for the moment can be reconnecting to something deep down that stirs as a result. Maybe some days, I can choose to put all the burdens down and pick up my car keys and sing Coldplay at the top of my lungs, giving her space to return back to the table.

Divine Discontent

I wrote this blog back in 2015 and I am still gleaning similar lessons in our season right now…

This phrase has been repeating in my head over and over lately, and the first thing that always comes to mind is Sixpence None the Richer, one of my favorite bands way back when and one of my favorite albums, Divine Discontent.  Most of the time this phrase is used in describing a time in your life where you feel spiritual discontentment or a time when you are on the edge of something new, a new purpose, new discoveries, a new ministry or move in your life.  I don’t think that’s necessarily what it is for me as this phrase repeats over and over.  To me it’s the divine purposes that God can bring into my life through a season of discontent.  For me it’s a longing, a desire to plunge forward in our goals but knowing that this season is not over, and God is not finished teaching me through it.  To me, it’s living with purpose and choosing joy even through a long season of unanswered prayers and longings, when it seems like all I hear in response is a resounding – WAIT. 

I struggle with discontentment often and many days I fight against it through practicing gratitude (because it does require practice…), prayer, reading Scriptures and journaling but some days I just let it roll over me and suck me up in the negativity.  I get caught up in the self-woes and allow the lies that say, ‘things will never change’, ‘ you will always be stuck’ control my mind and as a result I am once again leaning completely into my own strength that is stripped of grace, patience, and selfless love.  My guilt for not providing the childhood I’ve decided necessary for my boys channels into misdirected frustration at them.  It always perplexes me in those moments.  The voice in my head says ‘get a grip!’ but my actions and words that come out do the opposite.  Some days the walls in our small space quite literally feel like they are closing in on me and the piles of house work must continue to wait because in order for my boys to play outside, I must take them out.  When we moved into our 2/1 condo, while I was just a few months pregnant with my son Oliver (who is now 6), I never would have imagined we would still be there with two very active little boys.  Although we have always had what we needed and I have always had ways of working while being home full-time with my boys, progress forward is painfully slow moving at times.  There have been many times through the years that I thought I reached my max, that I couldn’t possibly live there for another day.  But life continued, and God’s grace showed up over and over again to gently push me forward and to remind me of the wealth of childhood my boys have that has nothing to do with things, backyards, or even summer camps.  I was in one of those holes the other day, and the next morning I woke up and read about the plight of several Syrian refugees and the horrors they have been through.  The shame of such a moaning spirit followed quickly after.  I’ve seen firsthand what true poverty looks like while studying in Ecuador and mission trips to Honduras.  I am so grateful for how grounding those experiences have been for me when I look at the wealth around us and compare our situation to those, instead of being grateful for the basic needs that we have never gone without.  It doesn’t invalidate my frustrations and I have granted myself permission to have these longings in my heart, to want to provide adventures and experiences for my boys but the perspective keeps me grounded and intentional about letting gratitude rule in a season of waiting, a season of discontent. 

Before Jon and I became parents, I saw so many kids that were entitled and had no appreciation for things that kids in other worlds only feel they can dream about.  I prayed a lot about how we could raise our eventual children to appreciate what they had, to not be entitled and expect the things that I really see as luxuries.  I didn't realize that part of that answer would come through that training in myself.  So many days I struggle with entitlement or the belief that because everyone else has something, I should have it as well.  I never knew my own heart in this area until the comfort of my everyday life and expectations were impeded by our financial limitations.  I see how God has used this season to create gratitude and joy in my life, not because I have everything I want but because my joy, trust and security are not rooted in what I have but Who I belong to.  So many days I hear God whispering this divine truth to me – to teach my boys gratitude and joy in the midst of discontentment is one of the best gifts I can give them.  Because as we all know, life is full of seasons of waiting, of times when we may feel deeply discontent.  But we can choose joy, we can choose gratitude and trust that God is able to use these experiences to deepen our roots in Him.  My prayer as a parent is that my boys will see in us that our joy is not based on our circumstances and that the thing that causes the most frustration may actually be our biggest blessing, because that is what keeps us on our knees and keeps us leaning into Him, where lasting peace and joy can be found. 

It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same
It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same

So many days within this race
I need the truth
I need some grace
I need the path
To find my place
I need some truth
I need some grace
The part of you
That's part of me
Will never die
Will never leave
And it's nobody else's but mine

But you are in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name

Breathe Your Name 

by: Sixpence None the Richer

Living Loved…

Pathways to Grace:

"We're loved into loving. That's ultimately how we're transformed." -Dr. Todd Hall

What if the truest thing about ourselves is not who we are but who we are loved by? What if we could love because we are already loved, not love to just receive love? What if we don't need to hustle, manipulate or control to be loved and valued, what if we actually just need to open our hands and receive it? What if the strategies we use to keep ourselves safe, get our needs met, be valued, etc are the very things that are isolating us from the love we desire, the love we are too afraid to even hope for? These are all questions I have been asking myself over these last few years especially. These are all questions that I thought I knew the answers to but my lived experience was telling another story. As humans, even though we can be wildly different and have completely different life experiences, viewpoints, lenses, narratives, belief systems; some things we will always have in common. We were wired for love and connection. We were wired for purpose and belonging and when we are not experiencing those things in our lived experience, parts of ourselves die. Hope dies and cynicism moves in. I truly believe that someone can seem to be the most successful person, but if they do not have thriving connection, purpose and hope, they will not flourish. I have spent a lot of time wrestling with these concepts myself. I believe I have deep connections in my life but I have struggled to live out my conviction/purpose because I still wrestled with believing I was loved and valued as a precursor to my productivity, not as a result. And this resulted in a gap that caused suffering between the internal conviction/desires and the lived out experience of my life. This gap created tension, frustration, anger and eventually resignation because it felt impossible to traverse. This is the common human experience for most of us, there is a gap between our desired self and actual self. There is a gap between what we say we believe and what we actually live out in our day to day lives. And there are days that gap feels like such an impossible chasm and we settle for so much less to ease the ache that it causes.

I understand that this may sound cheesy and cliché but what if the way to traverse that gap was the bridge of 'living loved'. This phrase has become a powerful tool in my life. It has become a reflection question I ask myself when I am taking an action OR an inaction (because I tend towards inaction much more often than action). I ask myself, if I truly believed that I am loved, that I am upheld by love then what decision would I make as a result? When I am walking into a room, how does that change my presence and demeanor? How does that affect the way that I show up if I am not walking into that room to BE loved but I am walking into that room confident that I already AM loved. It has become the undercurrent to many life decisions and a bridge I am building between my desired self and actual self.

I have shared this before but in 2022 my husband and I launched ourselves into the unknown. We had been praying for several years about my husband's job, for relief or release and it was a very long, difficult season. Then my husband had this dream that stuck with him, but most should know that by nature he is very logical, very cautious and Excel is one of his favorite things. We are not 'throw caution to the wind' kind of people. I LOVE my comfort. I love tea and blankets and the couch. I want nothing more than to be unaffected by the stressors of life. Yet, after much prayer and seeking wisdom, we had our answer of 'release' and a plan forward. But we went without knowing where we were going. I wrestled with God so much in the months before selling our house and moving to GA for the summer to stay with family where Jon would start the process of finding a new job. When we said yes to God, it was with the full knowledge that the outcomes were out of our hands. And with eyes wide open, we practiced the concept of "do it, scared”, in real time. Yet, when my soul was quieted, I felt peace. During that time, I received a word from a mentor coach that has defined these last few years and gave me something to hold fast to during a season of wilderness and uncertainty to follow. "She will emerge from the wilderness hand in hand with her beloved." I spent that summer on the back porch in GA. I had to learn how to put up emotional blinders (not my strong suit); I had to go deep into my relationship with God. I had to curl up onto His lap and dare to believe that He had goodness in mind for us, that He loved us more than I could even comprehend. And all the ways I wanted to desperately control our situation, manipulate the outcomes, I had no choice but to ultimately put it in His hands. A few days before we headed back to FL, still without a place to live, these were the verses God brought to mind and this is what I wrote in response.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgement, (fear of discomfort - I added that one) - is one not yet fully formed in love." -1 John 4:18 msg

"My life has been driven and defined by a lot of fear these last few years. It has been crippling at times and kept me trapped in things for a long time. The last year has been the uprooting of a lot of fear and has forced me to come face to face with so much I had been hiding from and forced me to move forward, despite feeling afraid. Right now we are displaced and do not know where we will live in a few weeks or where Jon will work. I still have to put myself out there as a coach and work to build my business. But as I sit with these verses and sit on the back porch in Canton that has been my safe refuge this summer, I realize that this whole process has been so much more about God freeing me from a life of fear. That He is building in me a deeper, attached formed love in Him that isn’t driven by fear. It's not actually about the destination but about attachment and Him putting together myself and my life, fully formed in His love."

I realize this is a lot to share but here we are in 2025 and our story is still unfolding, absolutely not tied up in a neat little bow. I have felt more acutely afraid these last few years than probably ever before but I have also experienced the deep, abiding, embodied love of God in a way I also probably never experienced before. I made a decision over a year ago, in a time when I was really struggling. I felt lost, confused and a little worthless and I just decided one day, I'm going to believe Him. I am going to believe that even though I have no idea what He's doing, I believe that I am loved, that He is for me and that all this is healing something in me, a deep core belief I held that I am loved for what I do and what I contribute. In that moment, my ability to contribute had been stripped away and I had to come face to face with what I actually believed not said I believed. I use the phrase 'wired for love not fear' a lot because fear is our default. But our design is to be loved. There will always be a gap between my desired self and my actual self, but the grace that I have experienced seems to be closing that gap, little by little and creating a freedom in my life that comes directly from choosing to live loved.

Helping others close this gap in their own lives, between desired self and actual self, said beliefs vs core beliefs and creating rhythms and practices to build their own bridge is the heartbeat of what I love to do. Anytime we challenge the way we have always done things, create space for reflection, choose to step out of our comfort zones and grow in our capacity, it can create momentum for real change in our lives. But if we neglect the truest longing of our hearts - to be loved, to belong, to connect, it can only take us so far. I started with this quote from Dr. Todd Hall because this has been the experience of my own life and I think it is the foundation for true transformation. "We're loved into loving. That's ultimately how we're transformed." For the first 40 years of my life, I tried shaming myself into change. Now, through God's grace, I want to love God and others well (and myself!) because I already know, in my core, that I am loved.

Parenting with Intention…

5 Ideas to cultivate deeper connection with your children:

When my boys were younger, I struggled to be present. Most days I was just surviving early mornings after a disrupted night's sleep, the challenge of feeding a very picky eater and frequent temper tantrums. I was usually counting down the minutes to when my husband got home and I could go on my evening walk in silence. As they got older and the days started to feel a little shorter, survival mode also started to ease a bit. But instead of being present more, I was shifting my focus to other problems and missing many opportunities to connect with my boys as they were growing and changing. I learned very early on as a mom that if I did not set intentions for my day, the moments slipped by and I spent the day caretaking, usually in auto-pilot as my thoughts bounced from thing to thing but rarely finding their home in the present.

I am an avid journaler and express myself through writing much more efficiently than in conversation. I love to express my love and appreciation for others through cards and letters. When my boys were 3 and 6 I decided to start a journal for each of them. Partially becasue I was documenting things about them in my journals and it was very disorganized. It was also because I realized that in the day to day, I expressed my frustration probably much more readily than my encouragement. I wanted to have a place to document the ways they were growing, the funny things they were doing in each phase as well as express the love and encouragement we had for them in that season. That started me thinking through other ways I could be more intentional about connection (and being present) because life gets so busy. We know these things, they're very logical, but they can get easily lost in the day to day with all the demands that life puts on us. Theses are just a few ways to help intentionally cultivate that connection with our kids and it doesn't have to take up too much time or energy. The beauty of intentional connection as parents is that our kids are also never too old to receive it. It still means the world to me when my own parents take the time to write an email or give me a card to show they see and appreciate me. Maybe just start with one new idea to put into practice today!

1. Write them letters.

I know that I already briefly touched on this idea but I think this is a great place to start. It doesn't really matter their age but it's a way that we can process the season we are in and find encouragement for them and us. You may be someone that freely expresses your love through words and even so, I think writing letters is a great emotional release. If you are not naturally expressive through conversation, writing can give us a space to connect to our children as we reflect on the moments of joy, growth and beauty. We can express the character traits we see growing and the ways that we will continue to love them through each passing phase. Somedays I forget how much my boys just need to be seen and reminded that they are loved. When I do something as simple as write them a letter, it naturally helps me to be more present with them as well.

2. Connect to who they are, not who you would like them to be.

Ok this next one can either sound really obvious or it can step on some toes. Personally, it steps on my toes. Intellectually this is not a new concept but emotionally this is not the truth that I always parent from. To some extent, we all parent from insecurities and can project that onto our kids. We can overact to certain behaviors or personality quirks because it triggers something we may fear or struggle with ourselves. This is a way to take a pause and challenge ourselves in the moment so we can reflect on those triggered responses. "What triggered that strong response from me? Am I projecting some of my own insecurities onto them?" Sometimes we just need a few moments of self reflection to bring us back into that connection.

3. Find ways to enter their world.

This is an area that I have had to be intentional about, especially as they grow older and their interests become vastly different from mine. My oldest son is a teen who loves video games. On my own, I have zero interest in gaming and even though I encourage him to balance it with other interests, I find ways to connect with him on the things he wants to share with me. My youngest was known as the critter whisperer when he was younger. He could woo lizards, toads, bugs, salamanders, etc like none other and I learned to really appreciate and even start looking for these creatures myself! I appreciated the ways he noticed the world around him and it helped me to slow down and be more present with him as well.

4. Apologize when you're wrong - repair work is key.

We have all been there - our frustrations and exhaustion get the best of us and before we know it, emotions take over. When my boys were younger especially, my mis-managed emotions would get the best of me. Something would trigger me and then an eruption would follow. I learned tools to know when I needed to take a minute and walk away. I learned the root of these triggers but I also had to learn to apologize and repair that connection. One of the best ways to build a deeper trust with our kids is to repair after the connection is broken. Through that repair work we also teach them what healthy relationships look like. Love and connection can be repaired when we take responsibility for our actions, apologize and find ways to grow in our awareness so the behaviors don't continue to cause harm. Sidenote - mamas, please give yourself grace. We all need to give grace but most of the time, we need to receive it first. If you find yourself in this constant cycle, find a friend, a mentor or a counselor to invite into it. We all need help in this journey of motherhood, there is no shame in that.

5. Share silly stories from your childhood!

When my Dad was a young boy, he lassoed a milk truck and was then dragged down the street for half a block because he didn't want to lose his new lasso. This story is still told at family gatherings and all the grandchildren know it well. I think our days of parenting can often feel heavy and layered with guilt. We can easily forget the simple need to just have fun and laugh with our kids. I have found that whenever my husband and I share stories about our childhoods, especialy silly ones, my boys are captivated and it creates a really fun and light connection. Not only are we inviting them into our world but we are showing the importance of enjoying each other's company. Of course there are so many other ways we can cultivate deeper connection with our kids but these are some of the top ones we have tried to put into practice in our home. I hope this encourages you to find ways to build deeper connection in your home and to remember that we all just need to know we are seen, loved and cared for. When we are tempted to over-complicate or stress in our parenting, these tools can help us all to take a step back, reasses and reconnect!

The Power of With…

I wrote this back in December, 2021. That was a very hard season and I had no idea what the road ahead held for our family. But now, 3 years later, I can say that ours is a story of miraculous sustaining grace. Not the loaves and fishes miracle I had hoped for, but the oil for the widow and her son that reset and was enough for each new day.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace.” -Isaiah 9:6-7

When Jesus was born, it was after a very long, dark and silent period. About 400 years is what we are told between the story of the Old Testament and the New Testament. The Jewish people had been passing down the prophecies and promises of a coming messiah for many, many generations. When the birth of Christ finally came and the prophecies of the hundreds of years prior were seemingly fulfilled, He was born into Jewish oppression. The expectation was for a warrior Messiah, that would free them from the oppressive state they lived in. But instead it was a poor baby, born to a teenage girl without any earthly comforts. What they wanted, what we all want, is rescue. But what He did was ‘with’.

The hope of Advent is ‘God with us’. I have heard this phrase all my life. He will be called Immanuel, God with us. But I think the significance of that gets lost in our culture of fix it, avoid it, change it and get rid of it. Then so many times, this is how we approach the hurt and suffering of others. When there is chronic pain, trauma, lingering circumstances, we really struggle to just be with people. When I read and study about the life and ministry of Jesus, this is something he models over and over again. This is something that He does very well. He doesn’t come to say live this way and all will be fine. He doesn’t come to shame and condemn or tell people to try harder. He doesn’t ever get exhausted by another’s pain and throw unhelpful cliches their way. He sits with them, weeps with them, changes His plans for them and climbs into the pit and takes on their pain. And then after a long day or in the quiet morning, He goes to His Father in prayer to share that burden and ask for strength to continue. I never completely understood why Jesus, God, would need to go to God for strength. But the older I get and the deeper into my relationship with Jesus I go, I see the importance of the intimate community and burden sharing. I see that once again He is modeling not only the importance of presence and with but where we draw that strength from to enter into the struggles and pain of another. So many times, I take on the hurt and emotions of others, desperately wanting to encourage and help them. But then I find myself depleted, depressed and exhausted. I have to keep going back to the example He set for us, how to be with and then how to draw strength from my source to be able to continue that work - through quiet, through prayer, through reading His Word and journaling. In this Advent season, I am extremely grateful for the gift of ‘God with us’. It has been a dark and hard season. There are many forms of oppression that press in on us. We all have felt it and experienced it in different ways but in one form or another, it is there. I don’t really feel the Christmas spirit of joy this year. I can’t trick myself into feeling very jolly. It’s been a long, hard season and there’s an unknown road ahead for my family. But it has also given me this ability to slightly tap into the culture of what Jesus was born into. There have been so many moments that all I can do is breathe in and out, Jesus be with me. And because of Advent, He is. He came to be with us. He put on flesh and accepted physical limits. He wept, sweat blood from anxiety and climbed willingly into the pit of despair and loneliness. There is nothing that we experience that is beyond His reach or understanding. He is with me in my spirals. He is with you in your chronic pain. He is with us. The gift of Advent is the powerful gift of ‘with’. He is just a breath away. My prayer is that you would reach out and invite Him into whatever hardship or season you are facing. He might not rescue you from it, but His presence and love will carry and sustain you through it. He will be called Immanuel, God with us. Grace and peace to you this holiday season.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” -Numbers 6:24-26

Cycle of Faith…

I wrote this over two years ago. It felt like it was gifted to me in a season where we were about to completely jump out of the boat. I have read this over and over again and it has been such on ongoing encouragement to me. I felt prompted this morning to share it with others because we all can relate to this cycle and the ongoing choice to allow trust to guide us forward rather than fear.

"My heart says of you, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek."

-Psalm 27:8

The Gospel of Matthew has such a great description of the 'formula' and evolution of faith through the walking on water story.

"When the disciples saw Him walking on the water, they were terrified.  In their fear, they cried out, 'It's a ghost!'"  -Matthew 14:26

*We can't rely on our feelings and our limited sight and then be led by fear.  What they saw terrified them even though what they saw was actually Jesus, love itself.  We can't rely on our limited sights and instincts.

"But Jesus spoke to them at once, 'Don't be afraid', He said.  'Take courage, I am here!'" -Matthew 14:27

*He assures them but then calls them to action.  Taking courage is an action not a feeling.  We can say we trust and feel courage but it is demonstrated through action, not words.

"Then Peter called to Him, 'Lord if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.' 'Yes, come,' Jesus said." -Matthew 14:28-29

*He already assured them explicitly but Peter is still unsure!  He still asks to make sure that is is actually Jesus and not a ghost!  We can see Him working but then second guess and ask God to prove it over and over again.

"So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.  But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. 'Save me, Lord!' he shouted." -Matthew 14:29b-30

*So he finally took the step out of the boat, stepped out in faith, was literally walking on water and then stopped looking at Jesus and instead shifted focus to the scary storm of circumstances all around him.  And then he started to sink and cried out to be saved.  So even when we step out in faith, it doesn't mean we won't feel scared or be affected by the hard things.  But all we have to do is refocus and ask for help!

"Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him.  'You have so little faith.'  Jesus said.  'Why did you doubt me?'" -Matthew 14:31

*Jesus does not wait, tsking and shaming him for lack of faith.  He immediately responds to his cry for help and reaches out to save him.  I think He is disappointed that in the midst of an actual miracle, Peter still doubts.  He is walking on water but still sinks because of fear.  He is defying gravity and the limits of the physical world but still doubts the power Jesus holds.  I am also so much like this but it is encouraging that this is shown as a normal human reaction and that He understands our fear and doubt but He still chooses to rescue us!  We can recognize this is an instinct and we will never be fully freed from fear but we can choose to trust in His power to defy all limits even when we feel fear!  We don't have to be controlled by it or shame ourselves for feeling it, just cry out to Him for help.

"When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.  Then the disciples worshiped Him.  'You really are the Son of God!' they exclaimed."  -Matthew 14:32

*So the process started in fear and terror because they didn't recognize Jesus.  Then they were assured and called to action - Take courage!  Then Peter gave a condition to make sure He was actually Jesus even though He just assured them He was.  Then Peter took action, stepped out of the safe boat and walked toward Him.  Then in the midst of the miracle, when he was literally defying gravity, he took his eyes off of Jesus and looked to the scary storm around him, started to sink and cried out.  He was walking on water yet he still doubted.  He cried out for help, Jesus immediately saved him and then completely calmed the storm.  Then they all proclaimed renewed and strengthened faith - that He really was the Son of God, He really was who He said He was.  And this is the cycle of building faith!  One that we go through many, many times in our lifetime.  This passage is a gift because it gives us a practical formula, that we can relate to so well as to how God builds faith, courage and confidence.  He may allow circumstances to build these things in us but we still have to choose if we will obey the call to action.  Even if we doubt He calls us to take courage and step out of the boat.  And even in the midst of miracles and answered prayers, we must constantly refocus on Him and realign to choose confident trust over fear.  We are never left alone in it, He's only a cry away!  And each time we come through another cycle, we will once again proclaim, You are the Son of God!  Jesus, You are in fact who You say You are and we can trust You.  

*So this is the cycle of faith in our lives, in some ways a map!  And on the days we doubt and feel like we are sinking, completely overwhelmed by the waves around us, all we need to do is cry out to Him.  Jesus, help us, save us!  Help us to have courage and take action, continue to walk on the water towards You, trusting You will uphold us for the journey ahead.  This is not on us, Your power is unlimited, it defies worldly limitations and Your grace is sufficient.  Thank-you for building our faith and giving us the courage we need to keep moving forward, with You.  

Trust Fall…

This is basically a small novel and back story to how this path found me…

At some point in our childhood we all did a trust fall. Whether it was a guided activity in PE class, where you truly had no idea what the peer behind you would choose to do or into the arms of someone you trusted that had your best in mind. Even then, there’s a moment of hesitancy where you beg the question, will they actually catch me or let me fall? I have had a few significant and life defining trust falls throughout my life. They were the moments that I actually went against my self-protective instincts, moved directly into my fear of discomfort and they forged the faith I have and the person I am today.

But here’s the thing - they never get easier. I have been provided for and cared for, over and over again, and yet there’s always that hesitation, that moment when I wonder: but this time, this time will He actually catch me or let me fall?

This is one of those moments. It’s time for another trust fall. After learning and studying for the last several years. After going through so much personal work, healing and painful uprooting of my own false beliefs and shame. After facing my instincts that I thought were protecting me but were slowly hollowing me out, I felt God calling me back into a season of unknown and trusting His guidance forward when I could not see the path ahead. He started gently warning me, over 2 years ago. When I was quiet or in prayer, I could hear these thoughts that weren’t from me - “I’m going to call you out again. It’s going to be painful and uncomfortable but I’m bringing you back to your heart and your passion. It’s time to stop hiding.”

I tried to push it away and ignore it at first. And then I tried to control it by giving up some yet holding onto the places that I didn’t want to face or have exposed. I have realized over the last few years that comfort has become a significant idol in my life. I have always thought of myself as a peacemaker but that requires discomfort and moving into conflict at times. What I was doing was peacekeeping, aiming to keep discomfort and conflict at bay. This was exhausting. By clinging so hard to my own desire for comfort, I had never been more uncomfortable in my life because I was closing my fists to any other possibilities. I wanted to stay in what I knew and be unaffected by the world around me. So the outcome of that was disengagement to those I love most or an explosive temper because trying to maintain the peace in my own strength meant there was no peace to be found. I had to control, manipulate and hustle for my own peace. It was exhausting and I felt pressed in on all sides.

I was first introduced to the personality system of the Enneagram by my father n law. Back in 2018, before we got together for Thanksgiving he sent a link to us all to take this online test for fun, to see where we fell on the system and the number we scored highest in. I took the test and was centered between two different numbers. I read a quick description of both and that was about it. I didn’t revisit it until about 6 months later when my sister in law recommended a book to me, saying it was a really great overview and helpful for her. I’m always up for a great book recommendation so I decided to give it a listen. It was called The Road back to You. As I listened to the book I thought it was fascinating and very insightful. I could see characteristics of loved ones throughout the descriptions and honestly, I didn’t think it would be very impactful for me because I had already done so much emotional work over the years. But it gave me practical information on how to better encourage and connect with friends and family. Then I got to the chapter on The Peacemaker, the 9 lens. As I listened to his description of the inner world of the 9’s - the struggles, the core desires, the fears, the relational habits, the message we long to hear - I was cracked open. I had tears running down my face because in that moment, I felt seen and understood. It was as if he had looked into my inner thoughts and was sharing them with the world. It was comforting and exposing all at the same time. He gave language to the cycle of struggles that had always been with me and connected them to their core. From there, I started reading, studying, listening to podcasts and absorbing as much information as I could. I have always been fascinated by human behavior, why we do what we do. This became a relational manual, helping me to understand how different our lenses are and the things that I used to get frustrated or annoyed about, now made sense. I could understand the core motivation driving that outward behavior, which inevitably led to more empathy and compassion.

In the fall of 2019, I was really struggling with anxiety. It wasn’t even based on rational concerns but it seemed to be a constant hum in the background. I had to work really hard on my tools for dealing with this anxiety so that I could function and care for my family. In January 2020, I decided to gift myself and work with an online enneagram coach, Beth McCord. With her guidance, I was able to dive deeper into my 9 lens and learn about all the aspects to help me step into my unique growth path and to dismantle the shame and beliefs that kept me tangled up in the same, habitual cycles I had been repeating for years. I have always worked hard on my emotional health - building tools, processing and gaining a deeper understanding into my own self-awareness. I also have an intimate trust relationship with Jesus and He has brought so much health and healing into my adult life. But learning more about my inner world, giving language to why I think, act and feel the way I do within my relationship with God was truly transformational. I have always struggled a lot with comparison and I was so focused on my shortcomings, usually comparing them with another’s strength. But the gift of studying the enneagram was that I felt freedom to step into my gifts and appreciate the facet of God’s character that I was wired to reflect out into the world. Suddenly being trapped in the cycle of comparison didn’t even make sense anymore. Why would I compare my gifting to that of another? I can grow in those areas but I was wired for a completely different purpose than they were. I also finally found the root cause of my anger, something I had experienced deep shame about since becoming a mom. We live in a chaotic world, one where we will have tension, conflict and discomfort. I have looked to myself, to my circumstances and to others to bring or maintain my peace. And when those things failed and I was pushed to the edge, I erupted. Becoming a mom exposed this to a much deeper degree because raising children is usually not a peaceful process and I couldn’t escape the chaos when it was like a tornado in my own home. Learning more intimately about my inner world allowed me to be seen and it has given me more compassion and grace towards myself and others. It helped me see the broken parts that I was trying to fix myself but I needed to embrace and surrender over to Jesus. I needed to have those false narratives, the shame, the struggle exposed so that I could let Him bring healing and true peace. I no longer operate from a place of shame. I feel free - I am seen and loved and cared for. I no longer have to manipulate, control or hustle for my needs to be met. I can entrust those needs into God’s hands and then I can love and encourage others from a place of overflow. He has become the peace I seek (although everyday is still a practice and work in progress!).

In June of 2020, the discomfort of life had reached a climax. We had all this time to be still at home during the beginning of covid and like many people, that led to a lot of questioning and deep self-reflection. I thought about where we were in life and all the mounting frustrations. It felt like life was just a constant wave crashing on us, pulling us out to sea and then dragging us back to shore. I felt helpless and out of control. The level of discomfort I was feeling brought me to a place of not only surrender but of action. True surrender usually leads to different action. Discomfort brought me to a place where I was willing to take the next step because it had to be better than our current reality. After thinking about it for months, praying about it, seeking out counsel, etc, I decided to sign up for an online certification course. I decided I was ready to shift my life path, even if I had no idea what that would actually look like. I have always loved to teach, encourage and connect. I’ve been able to experience deep friendship and connection in my life and it brings me joy to be there for others, to step into the hard with them and point them back to hope, to Christ and to remind them that they are loved and seen. And that nothing we encounter is wasted if we bring it to Him to redeem. After going through the coaching process myself, I thought about the amazing gift of someone walking through that process with me and the freedom and transformation that was on the other side of it. So, I decided that was my next step; this was the direction God was leading me into and now, over a year later (this was written in 2021) I am officially a certified enneagram coach through Your Enneagram Coach Network. Which practically speaking is a certified life coach using the enneagram as a tool to customize the journey for each of my clients. What I didn’t realize is that through the process of being trained as a coach, it would require even MORE coaching for me, so much more! This process of becoming a certified enneagram coach has been truly life changing. So much has been uprooted, including core beliefs and false narratives I wasn’t even aware I held. I have had to learn how to recognize my survival instincts and go against them when they are harmful and not protective (which has required lots of prayer and reflection for discernment). But through this journey, God has brought me back to His heart and my true heart, which is all about connection. I am so excited about this new adventure. I can’t wait to journey alongside those that He will bring along my path. It is a sacred calling to walk alongside people in this way and it’s a privilege to create a space where they can move deeper into their own purpose-filled journey.

After this very hard season for all of us (2020-2021), where we have been isolated and experienced worldwide trauma along with our own personal trauma, I desire nothing more than to act as a bridge to help us find a way back to ourselves, to each other and to our Creator. My role is to help those I work with discover who they were meant to be and help untangle the false things that they have possibly relied on to get their needs met that may no longer be effective at best and may be harming themselves and others at worst. When I taught women to make jewelry many years ago, it wasn’t about the product or end result. It was about unlocking and tapping into a talent and creativity they didn’t even know they had. The enneagram can be a great tool to help us unlock our blueprint, showing us gifts and strengths that we didn’t even know we had or we never saw in a positive light. It’s about unlocking who God created us to be so we no longer have to control, manipulate or hustle to get our needs met because He meets us in those deep places to free us up so we can walk the path He purposed and designed for us. When God actually meets us in our needs, striving can cease. We can thank the strategies that helped us survive through the many seasons of life and then peacefully decide to forge a new path. We don’t have to stay stuck and we don’t have to journey alone. We can make the decision, in grace, to break out and come fully alive. This is the invitation - to now live like who you are. But first you have to create a space to figure out who you are meant to be. In this training process to become a coach, I heard many times - you go first! And now it’s my turn to invite you to explore the trust fall in your own life that may lead to more freedom, joy and relational abundance than you ever imagined possible. Take my hand, we’ll jump in together.

“Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become more like Him.”

-Colossians 3:10

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33

“We were born to try, to see each other through. To know and love ourselves and others well, is the most difficult and meaningful work we’ll ever do…”

-Sleeping at Last “Nine”