Divine Discontent

I wrote this blog back in 2015 and I am still gleaning similar lessons in our season right now…

This phrase has been repeating in my head over and over lately, and the first thing that always comes to mind is Sixpence None the Richer, one of my favorite bands way back when and one of my favorite albums, Divine Discontent.  Most of the time this phrase is used in describing a time in your life where you feel spiritual discontentment or a time when you are on the edge of something new, a new purpose, new discoveries, a new ministry or move in your life.  I don’t think that’s necessarily what it is for me as this phrase repeats over and over.  To me it’s the divine purposes that God can bring into my life through a season of discontent.  For me it’s a longing, a desire to plunge forward in our goals but knowing that this season is not over, and God is not finished teaching me through it.  To me, it’s living with purpose and choosing joy even through a long season of unanswered prayers and longings, when it seems like all I hear in response is a resounding – WAIT. 

I struggle with discontentment often and many days I fight against it through practicing gratitude (because it does require practice…), prayer, reading Scriptures and journaling but some days I just let it roll over me and suck me up in the negativity.  I get caught up in the self-woes and allow the lies that say, ‘things will never change’, ‘ you will always be stuck’ control my mind and as a result I am once again leaning completely into my own strength that is stripped of grace, patience, and selfless love.  My guilt for not providing the childhood I’ve decided necessary for my boys channels into misdirected frustration at them.  It always perplexes me in those moments.  The voice in my head says ‘get a grip!’ but my actions and words that come out do the opposite.  Some days the walls in our small space quite literally feel like they are closing in on me and the piles of house work must continue to wait because in order for my boys to play outside, I must take them out.  When we moved into our 2/1 condo, while I was just a few months pregnant with my son Oliver (who is now 6), I never would have imagined we would still be there with two very active little boys.  Although we have always had what we needed and I have always had ways of working while being home full-time with my boys, progress forward is painfully slow moving at times.  There have been many times through the years that I thought I reached my max, that I couldn’t possibly live there for another day.  But life continued, and God’s grace showed up over and over again to gently push me forward and to remind me of the wealth of childhood my boys have that has nothing to do with things, backyards, or even summer camps.  I was in one of those holes the other day, and the next morning I woke up and read about the plight of several Syrian refugees and the horrors they have been through.  The shame of such a moaning spirit followed quickly after.  I’ve seen firsthand what true poverty looks like while studying in Ecuador and mission trips to Honduras.  I am so grateful for how grounding those experiences have been for me when I look at the wealth around us and compare our situation to those, instead of being grateful for the basic needs that we have never gone without.  It doesn’t invalidate my frustrations and I have granted myself permission to have these longings in my heart, to want to provide adventures and experiences for my boys but the perspective keeps me grounded and intentional about letting gratitude rule in a season of waiting, a season of discontent. 

Before Jon and I became parents, I saw so many kids that were entitled and had no appreciation for things that kids in other worlds only feel they can dream about.  I prayed a lot about how we could raise our eventual children to appreciate what they had, to not be entitled and expect the things that I really see as luxuries.  I didn't realize that part of that answer would come through that training in myself.  So many days I struggle with entitlement or the belief that because everyone else has something, I should have it as well.  I never knew my own heart in this area until the comfort of my everyday life and expectations were impeded by our financial limitations.  I see how God has used this season to create gratitude and joy in my life, not because I have everything I want but because my joy, trust and security are not rooted in what I have but Who I belong to.  So many days I hear God whispering this divine truth to me – to teach my boys gratitude and joy in the midst of discontentment is one of the best gifts I can give them.  Because as we all know, life is full of seasons of waiting, of times when we may feel deeply discontent.  But we can choose joy, we can choose gratitude and trust that God is able to use these experiences to deepen our roots in Him.  My prayer as a parent is that my boys will see in us that our joy is not based on our circumstances and that the thing that causes the most frustration may actually be our biggest blessing, because that is what keeps us on our knees and keeps us leaning into Him, where lasting peace and joy can be found. 

It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same
It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same

So many days within this race
I need the truth
I need some grace
I need the path
To find my place
I need some truth
I need some grace
The part of you
That's part of me
Will never die
Will never leave
And it's nobody else's but mine

But you are in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name

Breathe Your Name 

by: Sixpence None the Richer