Green Eyes
When I was 16, my favorite car was a VW Golf. Why? I couldn't really tell you but that's the car I dreamed of having. When I was 17, my family took a trip to Germany, a life-long dream for my mom to take her family to connect us to her roots and introduce us to family members we had never met. I saw VW Golfs everywhere and I even had my sis take a photo of me standing next to a line of them. I told myself, one day I will have this car! Fast forward to me being 40 and having a 14 year old son. We needed a car for Jon so he found a great used option that we bought with cash and decided he would drive as a place holder until Oliver was 16. It was a VW Golf! He found it and I don't even think he knew about my adolescent obsession with this car. With a diesel engine, it was a car that could run for a long time for Oliver when the time came. I was so excited that even though my 16 year old self never got my dream car, I could live vicariously through my son! Since then, it has been an interesting experience to say the least. We have had several annoying issues with it and we are currently trying to figure out why the AC stopped working, which has been really fun during FL summer! We have been thankful for Jon's remote work days that have helped ease the amount of time we have to drive it! I told Jon that the level of appreciation we will have for his next car will run deep. In the meantime we are still grateful for the provision it has been, warts and all!
This morning, I took the boys to school in it and appreciated the early morning lower temps and breeze pouring in from open windows. When I'm in the Golf, I usually take advantage of the CD player and blast Weezer or Coldplay. I realize I am not in highschool or college anymore, but I can pretend and picture young Annie zipping around town, listening to music, getting lost in that moment where everything else, even for just a moment evaporates. There was a moment this morning, just Oliver and I driving to school listening to Green Eyes - me singing, him quietly drumming his hand on his leg, that I felt such a surreal moment of peace. For that moment, I was young Annie again without all the cares that day to day weigh me down. I didn't think about the AC not working or the other millions of things going on in my brain at any given moment. I didn't think about the fact that this is Oliver's Jr year in highschool and we are coming into a season of getting him set up to launch into the world, while simulataneously I feel like in some ways I am still launching myself. It was a full circle moment, a reprieve, a welcomed deep breath in what has been a hard and confusing season. In that moment it was just us, enjoying music together.
After I dropped him off at school, Warning Sign (from the album Rush of Blood to the Head) came on and as I listened to the lyrics, there was a momentary pang of grief.
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah, the truth is
That I miss you so
And I'm tired
I should not have let you go
So, I crawl back into your open arms
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms
When I listened to this song back in college, I was always thinking about someone else but this morning, I had this pang of realizing how much I missed my younger self. This is a very human post I am writing, not really one of offering advice or wisdom to apply. It's really just an acknowledgement of moments in this midlife season where I don't know how to reconcile all the fragmented parts of myself. Teenage Annie, pre-married Annnie, pre-kids Annie, young kids Annie, and now mom of teens Annie. And maybe it's a realization that care-free Annie, that wanders into caves with friends in Ecuador with no guide or treks on mountain tops in Peru on the way to Machu Picchu without any thought of anthing going wrong, feels so buried and far away from this current moment. This is not a desire to go back to that version of myself, because honestly the demons I wrestled with in those seasons weighed me down in completely different ways. But once again an acknowledgement of how life, experiences, circumstances shape us and we aren't always aware of how disconnected we can become. In many ways, my life is so much richer now - especially in my relationships, connection to my children, my faith that has been deeply formed through many difficult life circumstances. But I can become so encumbered by the hard, the unknown, the frustrations of daily life that I don't allow that more carefree side of myself even to have a seat at the table. So, maybe this is about learning to invite her back in. To not take everything so seriously and allow life to feel so heavy. I so admire the people I know and learn from that approach life with this wonder and curiosity, this open handed posture that says, I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am going to intentionally soak up the joy of today. Maybe the gift of this morning was realizing that I have a choice to invite that wonder back in. That even though I have grown and changed in so many ways, that wonder and curiosity are still available to me if I take the time to invite them in. Maybe the gift of no AC for the moment can be reconnecting to something deep down that stirs as a result. Maybe some days, I can choose to put all the burdens down and pick up my car keys and sing Coldplay at the top of my lungs, giving her space to return back to the table.
