End of Ourselves…
I wrote this back in 2015. Finding so many nuggets of truth in things I have written over the years that I need to be reminded of today…
I recently watched a movie called Short Term 12 that I’ve been putting off for a while, but knew would be good for me to see. It was a beautifully, impactful story that I would recommend. There is some rough language, hard moments, but overall so worth the time of investing a couple hours to walk in the shoes of these teens. It's basically about a half-way house for teens and the young staff members that come from similar backgrounds. Definitely a tear-jerker but so worth the watch. Some it reminded me of my own experiences the summer after my sophomore year in college, when I worked at a halfway house for young kids. When they were plucked from their homes, for any number of reasons, this is where they came. Some showed up in the middle of the night, some were there for 3 days, some for a couple years. Some were just babies when they came and some had been in and out of different foster homes, bouncing around more than I could imagine. This was by far the most exhausting job I ever had. My hours were from 7:00-3:00, which means I spent many mornings starting out with the Wiggles, and actually swore when I became a mom, this show wouldn’t be allowed in my home (and I’ve stuck to it). Many days I came home and passed out on the couch because the previous 8 hours had stripped me of any emotional or physical energy I had. I think my hourly rate was about $6.50 an hour – and I’m not that old, that was still very low at the time. There was another girl that was a student from Yale that chose to spend her summer there. I loved working with her and grew very close with my fellow dayshift workers. We understood each other, had each other’s back, but still had the ability to love and care for the kids without the jaded edges poking through. I was saving up that summer for a one year Bible college in Ecuador that I had chosen to attend my junior year of college, taking a break from the Chicago winters and my beloved friends up there. My sophomore year was hard, very hard. I returned to college in Chicago on my own after my high school boyfriend and I parted ways. We went to college together, and unfortunately most of my freshman year was wrapped up in him, so returning on my own the next year was the first time I had ever done anything independent, and at that point in my life I didn’t do things on my own. Once again, though, I felt God’s supernatural peace after spending the summer pursuing my relationship with Him like I never had before. So, after my sophomore year, even though I was saving up for Ecuador, my parents did an amazing thing for me. They saw my heart and they tended to my heart instead of money or the more practical, self-serving route they could have suggested for me. It’s not something I like to admit, at least not to the world at large but I was devastated by our break-up. The whole future I had planned in my mind completely shattered and I had no idea how to live life on my own apart from him (hence the part I don’t like to admit). I couldn’t see past my own pain, my own heartbreak so instead of coddling me and allowing me to stay safe in that, my parents challenged me to serve others during a time in my life when my pain was my constant companion. They knew that God could bring healing to my heart, especially if I chose to invest in the pain of others, at a time when I just wanted to wallow in my own. So, that’s what I did. Working at the half-way house was such an eye-opening and heart-opening experience for me. It was so uncomfortable, so painful, and at times brought me to the end of myself, which is usually where God took over. I saw and experienced things that still bring pangs to my heart now. I had to be the punching bag for kids that had no where else to safely express their anger. I had to watch their crushed faces as once again, their parents didn’t show up for visitation – when that was all they talked about for the week prior. The end result? I got angry, very angry. I thought it would take over and I had no idea how to reign it in. These innocent children and the unspeakable injustice that they had lived through and continued to live through. I spent a lot of time that summer praying, journaling, reading God’s Word and talking to my parents about how to deal with this anger. I still remember my mom’s advice, even if she doesn’t – she told me to channel that anger into loving on these kids. The passionate anger I felt on behalf of them would do no good, they needed love. They needed a safe punching bag, a place to express their own hurt and anger. They needed games, smiles and days at the beach. They needed kindness and a constant reminder that they mattered, that they were loved. I learned more about love that summer than I ever had before and it was the beginning of my own healing as well. The point wasn’t to distract from my own pain by helping others, it was to see past my own pain and to walk side by side through others pain, asking God to guide and heal us together. It was also a much needed preparation for the following year I would spend in Ecuador, as I saw such a magnitude of brokenness around me, but equally I saw such magnitude of God’s grace, His redemption and healing power. That summer God taught me a lesson that extends into my life now. There is more out there than just our pain. There is a bigger story to the heartbreak, wounds and anger we encounter. If we allow Him into those intimate cracks in our lives, He comes alongside us to heal, to love, to be our punching bag, to be our safety net, to be the One who reminds us over and over again that we are loved, that we matter. Not just so we can stay in our own experience, but so we can walk alongside others, confidently showing and telling them – you matter, you are loved, and your experience and pain will not be wasted. Let’s channel our anger into love. That’s where healing is, that’s where life is, and that’s where God is waiting for us so that when we come to the end of ourselves, He can take over.
